


Words I Want to Hear

by TheDirtyBirdie



Series: Words I Want to Hear [1]
Category: Iron Man (Comics), Iron Man (Movies), Marvel, Marvel (Comics), Marvel 616, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Canonical Character Death, Dead Dove: Do Not Eat, Dubious Consent, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Incest, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Period-Typical Homophobia, Physical Abuse, Rape/Non-con Elements, Sexual Abuse
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-11
Updated: 2018-08-10
Packaged: 2019-06-25 11:37:13
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 941
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15639966
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheDirtyBirdie/pseuds/TheDirtyBirdie
Summary: Tony has long since learned to accept the fact that his father will never love him the way he wishes he would, he'll settle for being noticed, at this point.





	Words I Want to Hear

**Author's Note:**

  * For [garbagesinboy](https://archiveofourown.org/users/garbagesinboy/gifts).



> ** READ THE TAGS **   
>  _ There's not going to be anything even vaguely redeeming about this fic, I can't stress that enough. Also, please be aware that there's going to be a **lot** of period-typical homophobia/sexism/etc. and sometimes, it will be very vulgar. _
> 
> * this is the first of a three part series  
> 
> * Tony canonically graduated MIT at seventeen  
> 
> * Hand-wavy mix of mcu/616  
> 
> * I've played with the timelines a little, but nothing too major
> 
> Alright, I hope everyone enjoys this truly terrible filth! Special thanks to [this loser](https://honey-kink.tumblr.com/) for blessing me with this idea in the first place ♥

Howard Stark is a man of his word. 

He aspires to be, at least. Knows, from a young age, that he must become one. Unfortunately, life lessons have never come easily, for Howard.

* * *

When he signs onto Project Manhattan, he gives his word that he’ll work himself to the bone to keep America, and the world, safe. He’s sure that he’s doing just that, right up until their pride and joy hits the ground, and the nauseating weight of the loss they’ve just inflicted on a nation tears his feet out from under him and leaves him sinking back against the wall, pale and wane, while everyone around him celebrates their  _ victory _ .

From that day on, Howard Stark is truly a man of his word, helped along by the weight of the lives he helped end, sinking like a stone in his chest, growing heavier every day.

He gives his word, to himself, and the world at large, that his life from this point on will be an exercise in atonement. Innovation with the express purpose of making up for all the damage he’s inflicted, though, he suspects, it will never be enough.

Still, he does his best.

* * *

Project Rebirth feels a lot like the atonement Howard craves.

It also feels like damnation. He can’t say no, isn’t particularly inclined to try.

He gives his word to Erskine that this will work, and up until the words pass his lips, he’s not sure they’re true. They have to be, though. It has to work, this time. Everything is Perfect,  _ Steve  _ is perfect.

Steve, a skinny spitfire from Brooklyn, relentlessly righteous, and always looking for a fight. Looking for the man who’s out to kick the little guy while he’s down, paying no mind to the fact that he, himself,  _ is _ often the little guy.

When he steps out of that chamber, bursting at the seams with new muscle and a truly renewed physical vigor to match the one he carries inside, free of maladies, he feels like such an incredible embodiment of all that’s right and good, of all that a man could ever aspire to be, even Howard has to admit there’s a moment it feels like the breath’s been knocked out of his lungs.

Steve- Captain America, is all that Howard himself has ever wanted, to be, to possess, to create.

He watches the way he and Peggy look at each other, and thinks  _ good _ . The pull in his chest- a man like Steve shouldn’t feel anything like it. A man like Steve ought to be good, right in the head.

It’s easy enough to convince himself the burn of jealousy in his chest is just a result of the scotch, most nights.

* * *

His father is dying. Howard Sr. never says it, not outright, but he doesn’t need to.

What he wants, more than anything, is to see Howard do the family name proud. See the Stark legacy carried on with his life and far beyond it. They’re words that, on paper, look simple enough. Typical enough. Loving enough.

Howard hears the implication, though.

Settle down. Start a family. Have a son, someone to pass everything they’ve built on to, when it’s his time to go. No more flitting about, it’s time, now, to be a real man. To take on the full weight of the Stark name, and real men, real Stark men, don’t piss around with that type of deviance.  

He gives him his word, and something inside him goes cold, tight. Closed off. He won’t allow himself to mourn the piece of himself he’s shut away, tells himself it’s just the pain of his father’s passing. Nothing more.

* * *

Maria is everything any man could ever want from a wife, a mother to his future children. Anything Howard could ever want, nearly.

She’s gorgeous, patient, kind, funny, brave, and too independent to ever be needy. Sharp, too, sharp enough that Howard is almost able to convince himself this is okay. Maria must know what she signed on for, with him. Know that he’ll give her anything and everything he can, lavish gifts, support, success, fame, a legacy that will shape the future, but he’ll never quite be able to give her the thing most people want more than anything, from a marriage. From a partner.

Maybe, if he’s lucky, she’ll be the one to fix him. Howard’s never been quite right, but if there’s any woman on earth who could make him normal, what a man’s supposed to be, it’d be her. It feels like a lie, even in the privacy of his mind, but he clings to the thought.

He gives his word, to God and Maria, in front of all their friends and family, that he will love her until death parts them, and he means to keep it. Perhaps not in the way either of them wish he would, but it’s true, all the same.

* * *

When he looks down at his son, sleeping soundly in his crib for the first time, he thinks about the piece of himself he lost the day he swore to his father that he’d honour and advance the family legacy. He wonders if he’s somehow lost more than he meant to.

Of course, he’ll love his son. He loves Maria, not in the way he’s meant to, however hard he tries, but he loves her. He’s not a man so broken he’s lost the ability to love. It’ll come, he’s sure of it.

Howard Stark is a man of his word, and he gives his word to his son, in that moment, that he will learn to love him.

**Author's Note:**

> Alright, lovely dirty birds, I hope you're enjoying this as much as I'm enjoying writing it ♥ Feel free to say hello/drop a request, here or [on tumblr](https://dirtybirdie.tumblr.com/) ♥


End file.
